Anxiety

I think we all have that one thing that haunts us – a habit, a sin, a something that seems to undo us just by showing up in our day. Mine is anxiety.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for years. Decades, even. For most of my life, it’s hovered in the shadows until, without warning, it comes rushing at me like a tidal wave. One minute, I’ll be fine. The next minute, I’m a trembling mess. It’s not pretty.

I don’t know what your particular struggle is. And there are lots of different causes and reasons and contributions to our issues. But over the last few months, God has baby-stepped me towards more healing in this area where I’ve struggled for so long. Here’s what I’ve learned.

I am not my anxiety.

For years, literally decades, I’ve believed that my anxiety was equivalent to who I am. That it was woven so deeply into my being that it was as part of me as my quick mind and my love of books.

I was wrong.

My anxiety is what I have, not who I am. I am not bound to it. I can unlearn it, treat it, heal from it. It doesn’t define me (though for many, many years I let it).

This has not been an easy realization. But it has been helpful.

Instead of being some dark mark of my own soul, some unmanageable sin, anxiety is like a giant shadow (in my imagination, it looks a lot like a balrog) that leaves me overwhelmed and frantic.

When the monster comes, my mind races, my stomach roils, my legs literally shake. It’s horrible, but I am starting to understand that it is separate from me. It can control me if I let it, but I no longer have to obey its call.

My anxiety is not real.

After decades of dealing with anxiety, I will assure you heartily that it FEELS very real. Very, very real. But it isn’t. Most of what prompts my anxiety attacks are illogical (at best) and downright false (at worst). Yet, they trigger horrible and immediate reactions that can feel as if I’m drowning in my own frantic thoughts. It is, as I said, not fun.

But I recently noted an interesting pattern in my own thinking. I have three perspectives, for the most part. The world I can see (facts), the world God can see (truth), and the world I’m afraid of (anxiety). The first two are real. My anxiety is, simply put, not. It’s imagined, full of what if’s, suspicions, and uncertainties. But it isn’t not actually real. It never comes to pass.

So when I’m overwhelmed by my anxiety, I have to do the hard work of reconnecting myself to the world of facts and truth. When I do, the swells of anxiety begin to pass, and I can breathe again. When I don’t, I am swept away into the all-too-familiar shadow.

Living from the true well

Colossians 2:13: When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ.

When Adam and Eve chose to go their own way, they cut themselves (and their children after them) off from God. And nothing can live apart from God. Obviously, our bodies are alive, but our spirits, without God, are dead.

But Christ died on the cross for our sins, to make a way for us to come back to God. And when we come to him, we aren’t just forgiven. We aren’t just washed clean. We are made alive with Christ. In the core of our being, because of Christ, we are reconnected with God. We come alive again. Where our spirit as only dead, the Holy Spirit enters and literally brings us back to life.

That life is not a meager well, either. It is true, pure water. He gives completeness instead of emptiness. As Paul said, we are filled up in Christ (Colossians 2:10). This is a huge thing.

I have nearly drowned, for decades, in an ocean of anxiety, when I could have drawn unlimited resources from the very well of Christ’s life in me. I simply never realized. But I know now. And it has made all the difference. Not every time. But I am learning.

You too?

I don’t know what issues or shadows threaten to overwhelm you, but there is life, there is fullness, and there is healing. I have seen it. I have experienced it.

The journey is not over. But I am hopeful. Anxiety has been my companion for a long time, but I am learning to live without its constant presence. And I am grateful that the God of the universe cares to heal my anxiety. He is changing my life, sometimes one thought at at time. And I never would have believed it was possible, except that I have seen him do the impossible in my life.