There is no such thing as toxic masculinity.
I get where the term came from. And I get that people recognize its problems. But it is still becoming a socially normal concept, and that’s a problem. It’s more than just a poor use of adjectives. It’s a really hurtful concept. And on top of that, it’s wrong.
Good, Bad, and Neutral
We tend to quickly assign moral ranking to things or ideas. This is good. That is bad. Something else is really bad. And the term toxic masculinity is a perfect example of the last one.
Masculinity, “they” are telling us, is bad. Oh, they say they’re only talking about men doing bad things, that they mean behaviors men may do. But adjectives don’t modify outcomes or results; they modify words. They modify the idea the word describes. So calling masculinity toxic means that the masculinity itself is what’s flawed.
The term toxic masculinity is, in fact, telling every man that deep inside him is something broken (at best) and downright poisonous (at worst). That who he is, as a man, is diseased. The APA is even starting to include that very idea in their recommendations to therapists. And it’s wrong.
Men aren’t poisonous. Masculinity isn’t toxic. It is, more accurately, neutral.
Like magic in Harry Potter, really. Not once, in any book or movie, is the magic in the wizarding world called dark. There are dark arts. There are dark wizards. But the magic itself isn’t good or dark. Voldemort went farther than any other wizard had ever gone, but even in his case, no one ever calls the magic itself bad.
And masculinity is the same. It is not inherently good or bad. It’s a set of characteristics that describe, in general terms, the reality of manhood.
Defining Masculinity
Now I’m not going to create a complete list. Nor are any of the things here absolutes. Any given man may have more or less of these characteristics, and others besides. But masculinity does include some specific traits. For example:
- Strength – particularly physical strength. Bodies that naturally are (or are capable of becoming) faster, stronger, bigger.
- Decisiveness – the tendency and ability to make quick and complete decisions, to look at the information available and decide.
- Growth through Challenge – Men grow by facing and overcoming challenges. It’s innate to who they are. Erase their challenges, or make it socially unacceptable to complete them (to win), and they will stop growing, as fathers, husbands, leaders, workers, and people.
- Seed of Insecurity – At the heart of every man is a seed of doubt, a little voice that whispers that he may not be enough. Men are most vulnerable here: shame targets this spot, and women quickly learn to squeeze here, too. And most men protect this vulnerability at all costs because they fear being “not enough.”
Employing Masculinity
No man can stop being masculine. That’s why defining masculinity as something toxic–in itself–is so harmful. Masculinity is a set of characteristics, traits, skills that every man possesses. They shouldn’t be encouraged to be more feminine. They can’t be told to stop being “this” or “that.” And men need other men, being men, in order to mold and shape themselves into better men.
So if “what he’s made of” isn’t the problem, what is? It has to be how he uses what he’s made of.
Masculinity isn’t toxic. But a man can use his masculine traits in constructive or destructive ways. He can build up or tear down. Same strength, same decisiveness, different outcomes.
A friend of mine told me the other day about his abusive and alcoholic father. This dad told my friend and his brothers not to back down from a fight or they’d get it at home. But if they fought and lost, he still beat them. My friend recognized as a young boy that such use of strength and authority was destructive, and when his dad died when he was seven, my friend (and his whole family) were more relieved than sad.
My friend’s dad used his masculinity to overpower and abuse. But my friend uses his strength and the growth he achieved by dealing with the challenge of his father to build up. He took care of his mother in her final illness. He provides a home for family members who need a place to go. And he works for the benefit of the community’s kids in our school. He uses his masculinity constructively.
Same strength. Same masculinity. Different outcomes.
Masculinity is not toxic. It’s not flawed. Yes, sin distorts it. It’s not all it was meant to be. And men need to be called to rise to their full potential. They need other men who will hone and challenge their choices. And women who defend and respect them, even though they see their weaknesses and flaws. They need society to stop making them suspect just because they’re men.
Every man the potential for doing great and beneficial things. The choice to be selfish and lord their masculinity over others will always be easier, yes. But the vast majority of men make the harder, better choice every day.
Let’s support them, pray for them, trust them, and respectfully correct them when they’re wrong. But let’s stop calling them toxic. Because they aren’t.
