Sometimes I feel (okay, I know) that I am far too judgmental. I am critical of everything, which can sometimes be a good thing, but usually isn’t. This is especially true when I’m being negative about people (which is a lot of the time).
I mean, I do have an ability to critique ideas, stories, people, movies, you-name-it to see their good points, flaws, and how to make them stronger. So sometimes, a critical eye can be positive. But mostly…I’m just critical.
I’m super critical of myself, for starters. I’m not good enough. In my own mind, I’m not funny enough, popular enough, kind enough, godly enough, productive enough, good-mommy enough, good-wifey enough…in other words, I’m just not _______ enough, ever. (You can fill in that blank with just about anything and it would probably be true.)
But even worse, I’m incredibly judgmental of others, too. Though most of my criticism doesn’t leave my mouth (which is scary considering how much of it does leave my mouth!), I’m just far too easily annoyed by the “stupid” people out there and the “stupid” things they do. And of course, this usually just means that they got in my way, messed up my schedule or my plans, aren’t making me #1 in their lives, or generally aren’t doing things the way I wanted them done.
I’m definitely sensing the Spirit wanting to address my critical nature more these days. Not just all the nastiness that comes out (ie, complaining about family members to other family members, whining to my sister about my husband, griping to my husband about church or moms groups or friends or life in general), but the heart issue that results in all the judgment and (negative) criticism.
And that heart issue, in case you were wondering, is a lack of love. God’s kind of love. The one that makes people whole and holy and able to see beyond themselves so that God’s love can flow through them into others.
This morning, I read, in a book by Madeleine L’Engle, a quote from Coleridge:
And she quotes a French priest:
Such a love is what I need. I won’t go so far as to say that I want it yet. Because, honestly, I really still want my way, my life to go easily, my self to be most important. But that is the love that Jesus wants for me, in me, to send out to others through me. And so that is the love that I want to want, that I hope to have, that I desperately need.
Jesus, forgive my heart and critical heart. Teach me to love as you love.
September 1, 2009
There’s a very simple, beautiful song I learned in second grade in Catholic school so long ago. You sing it in a round, and it each verse starts with: ” is flowing like a river, flowing out of you and me, flowing out in to the desert, setting all the captives free.” In moments of negativity, I consider myself a captive – not of anything that has taken over my will but obviously something I am complicit with. Simply giving thanks constantly seems to keep me in a less judgmental mindset. Of course, I slip a lot. Meister Eckhart, the 13th century Dominican I wrote about in our ENG 601 class, said something that I have as my e-mail signature: “If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” It is a helpful mantra. Though I too often rail against mainstream Christianity as the religion for me, I like to and try to recognize the divinity, the Spirit, in everybody, to be thankful for it and respect it.
September 1, 2009
that’s so interesting that you are feeling that right now. Only “interesting” because that’s the very thing that I was convicted of last night in my devotions. But it was under the umbrella of “humility”. The goal was to identify areas in my life where I was lacking humility – and “attacking others” turned out to be my big one! I feel like I’m joining AA
but I could so join you and say “Hi, my name’s Christy, and I’m critical of people” – in this case, especially myself and people close to me.
To piggyback on what you said, I realized that I didn’t have the right attitude of humility… that balance point of understanding that God has recused me, loves me and calls me His own – so I need to find self worth and beauty there – but also understanding that without Him I would be a sinner without hope, and that I am saved only through His grace – those around me are not worse sinners or more fallen than I, that I have no moral high ground from which to judge.
Thanks so much for being honest and sharing what you are thinking!!! I’ll be praying for both of us as I pray for a less critical spirit and more love for others as equal recipeints of God’s grace.
September 1, 2009
Wow, Shannah. This is incredible. Thank you for sharing your heart in such a raw way. Praying for you as you make some hard changes! Thanks for blessing my day!
September 1, 2009
You are not alone, friend. This is me too. Praying for us both right now!
September 1, 2009
I found you from Marla’s link and I so glad that I did! WOW! I am definitely the same way. And the worst of it is, I get SO annoyed when I see a critical spirit in other people! I’m even critical of the critical! Thank you for reminding me that this is a heart issue and I need to turn it over to God. Praying for you right now! 🙂
September 1, 2009
Wow! Great post Shannah!
September 3, 2009
Oh boy. Thank you for sharing. I am seriously in need of hearing this and feel very convicted! It is just what I needed today. God help me!