Today, I finally return to a live blog. As noted by the tagline, my wonderful husband migrated all my old files, first from Xanga to our backup drive (a couple of months ago), and then from the backup to an actual website that people (like you!) can read. Not surprisingly, it’s been hard to be disciplined to write anything on a blog that wasn’t “live,” so I’m very happy to be back, sending out my musings for anyone else who wants a look into my screwy little brain!
It’s also January. Of course, the holidays were busy. And it was really, really, REALLY great to have Eric off work for almost two full weeks. But now I’m ready for a return to normal. It’s more than just being done with a crazy schedule. And it’s more than wanting to get back to a routine (we’d have to have one to return to it!).
Really, I’m trying to return to…discipline. For me and for my kids. I’ve spent months excusing my crazy because Timmy was still so small and because we’d moved and because I was (am) still looking for a sense of how I fit here. But Timmy is one and now weaning, and that’s going to allow a whole new flexibility for us. And the move is pretty well behind us now. Yes, we’re making things better (as much as possible) and we’re planning for building a new house (hopefully soon). But for now, we’re here and that’s that.
So really, I’m ready to find my way back to doing the hard work of choosing what isn’t easy simply because it is better. I’m needing to put aside my selfishness to bless my kids and husband. I’m starting to thirst, just a bit, for purpose in my use of money, my time, my things. I’m aching, just a bit, to feel less like I’m reacting to everything and more like I’m consciously asserting order (cosmos out of chaos, as Madeleine L’Engle describes). I’m no longer okay with excusing myself from exercise and Bible study and prayer time because “I don’t have time.” In truth, I do have time. I just haven’t had the discipline to intentionally re-insert those things into my days. And I need them back.
So, it’s time. Time to return. Not to earn favor (I’m trying to learn grace). Not to create a sense of control (though I to love that feeling). Not to craft some Pinterest-able life to make everyone else wish they were me (trust me…you SO do not want to be me!) No, I need the return because in drilling back down to the basics, making little choices repeatedly — knowing they will result in big differences, searching for God not somewhere and someday but right here and right now…in all those things is the only path towards Joy and Jesus and Purpose and Peace.
It’s time to return.
