WWAVD…What would Ann Voskamp do? When Jen Hatmaker wrote that in a blog a while back, I laughed out loud at my computer. WWAVD…Awesome.
Because, though a bit late to the One Thousand Gifts party, I got there. And like most of us, I am often uplifted and touched by her blog. But I also need to be honest. Because, well, this is my blog, and I despise fluff and nonsense.
One Thousand Gifts is a remarkable book. Worth reading. And re-reading. Now, to be honest, some parts just elude me (I still don’t get the moon chapter). And to be honest, AV’s poetic style tends to bog me down sometimes. But the book…its ideas and questions and passion…they resonate every time I read them.
Eucharisteo. Giving thanks. Thankfulness as the path to re-membering ourselves into wholeness and a life fully lived. These ideas speak to me. I feel a Holy nudge as I consider them. And also, I cannot escape them. They keep showing up in other, unexpected places.
Like Madeleine L’Engle’s Walking on Water. A book about faith and art and how the two intersect. But right in the middle, she describes the life-threatening injury of her then-9-year-old granddaughter, Lena.
“I opened the small prayer book I bring with me when I travel, and when I came to the psalms for the evening, there was a picture of nine-year-old Lena…It was almost more than I could bear. I held the prayer book loosely, and a card fell out…on it were the words of John of the Cross: ‘One act of thanksgiving made when things go wrong is worth a thousand when things go well.’
“And I knew that I had to make that act of thanksgiving. I’m sure I was given the grace to make it that night and during the several days that followed…The largest part of that act of thanksgiving was gratitude for my children and grandchildren, for the first nine years of Lena’s life, and then to say with Lady Julian of Norwich, ‘But all shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well,’ and then to add, ‘No matter what.’ That was the important part, the ‘no matter what.’
“It was ten days before Lena regained full consciousness and we knew that she would recover. The gift of that card falling out of my prayer book when it did was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. It made me affirm to myself that God is in control, no matter what, that ultimately all shall be well, no matter what.”
There it was again…out of nowhere…eucharisteo. Thanksgiving in the middle of real life. And God showing up, unmistakable and full of mercy. AV’s message. Another’s words. I see it. I get it. I think they have uncovered a real and truly holy truth.
But…here’s the thing. I’ve read One Thousand Gifts multiple times. I’ve recommended it to others. I even started a ‘gift list’ of my own. And yet. And yet. Something is still missing.
It’s like I’m trying to study off of someone else’s outline.
Starting in junior high, I studied by outlining chapters. It helped me remember the key information. I understood each chapter’s flow: the main points, the sub points, the important words. By the time I finished an outline, I knew the chapter. I had it.
But of course, it wasn’t a miracle solution. Sometimes, my friends would ask to borrow an outline. They wanted to look over it, hoping a quick glance right before the test would give them an edge. I always let them look, of course. But though they were hoping the information would just sink in, it never worked that way. My scores were always higher. My ability to use the information was always better.
Because they hadn’t done the work. They hadn’t read the chapter sentence by sentence, writing as they went. They were reading my journey through the lesson, reading my record of how it all fell together.
And that’s where I find myself with AV and my gift list. I got over 500 things written down. But it never stopped feeling…fake. Some of it was true thankfulness. But “write down 3 unspoken graces” just never ended up meaning much to me. And months in (and multiple readings of the book accomplished), I still don’t see much joy.
And I want the joy.
So I’ve stopped trying to copy her path. Maybe a list worked for her. Because she was living the lesson as she wrote them down. Maybe a list is working for you. (If so, great. Seriously, I’m so glad for you.) But it has seemed that the path to joy may not be as simple as just writing things down – at least not for me.
I need to think my way through it first. I need to understand the grace of it all before recording the graces makes a dent in my think skull. I have to absorb the truth of eucharisteo straight to my heart before my heart can break open to the joy of gratitude.
So I’ve given up on my list. I’m not done with eucharisteo. Not by any stretch. When I find myself in a rough patch with my kids. In a pity party of my own creation. When I’m just short of huffing in irritation at my husband. In those moments, I am working to build the same habit. To stop and give thanks. To redirect my perspective up. To pause and see good when I am ready to slice off someone’s head with my sharp and sarcastic tongue.
I’m learning. It’s the same path, I think. But a list of 1,000 things will probably not be part of it. At least not for me. And if not for you, either, that’s okay. Don’t limit yourself to reading AV’s outline. I don’t think that’s ever what she intended. Find your own path to the heart of joy. Pursue gratitude. Give thanks.
And in the end, I think that God will show up. No matter what.
