I’m a people-pleaser. Have been for years. I’m also a perfectionist. And a control freak. Also, I’m very Type A.
So clearly, I’m super fun at parties. And I have a hard time saying no. Or I used to. Surprisingly, I’m getting better at drawing that line sometimes. Here’s why…
1. I am learning to be okay with NOT being in control.
The truth is, I’m not in control. When I began to process WHY I needed to be in control all the time, it quickly became apparent that two big things were in play. FEAR and DISBELIEF. I was afraid all the time: of failing, of disappointing people, of death. And I didn’t believe that God was as big as He says He is. That He is actually kind and generous and good.
So I began to let go…just a little. I’d step back or take my hands off and just wait to see what would happen. And what happened was that God showed up. People didn’t hate me. A little failure sometimes made life more fun, flexible and enjoyable. It was actually a good thing…oddly enough…to not be in control.
2. Saying no makes space.
It makes space for God to work. Not me forcing outcomes or whatever, but Him moving in and around me to bring about His plans. And it makes space for other people. When I say no, it allows someone else to say yes. Someone who might actually be better at that thing than me. Or just someone who has a little bit more time this week to be flexible. It makes space for my husband and my kids. They get to be themselves, to make mistakes, to feel their way through instead of me telling them how it should all be done. And that makes for all kinds of good things.
3. My attitude is better.
Jesus says in Matthew 5 (verse 37), “Let your yes be yes and your no, no.” He’s talking about religious people swearing by the temple or by heaven to make it sound like their promise or vow was even more special or honorable. The idea is that promising something, with extra emphasis, doesn’t actually make the vow better somehow. I don’t do a lot of religious promising, but I do find the principle holds true in much of life, too. When I say yes, it needs to be a whole-hearted yes. Not yes, but me grumbling about it the whole time I’m doing it. That’s not really a yes. So if I can’t actually do it whole-heartedly, then I’ve started giving myself permission to say no.
And when I did that, a funny thing happened. My yes and no stopped being such a big deal. It didn’t mean as much about who I was or what my value was. I could just say yes. Or no. And go on with life. But when I did say yes, I did it more happily. And when I said no, I didn’t feel guilty about it. It was incredibly freeing.
So I’ve continued to say no sometimes. Of course, if you know me, I’m nearly always in for helping and serving. But learning to say no has been a great thing. I highly recommend it.
