Yesterday, my kids were on it, I tell you. Out of nowhere, they hit me with the real stuff. And man, I am so glad I was not so distracted or busy (for once), that I actually listened.
In the morning, on the drive to church…
Meg: (from the back of the van) “Mom, how do you do real life?”
Me: (thinking I’d misheard) “What? What do you mean by real life, babe?”
Meg: “You know, how I get distracted by my ponies and toys. How do you do real life?”
Well, then. She wanted a real answer. “Well, no one really knows, Meg. Pretty much everyone is doing the best they can. But there isn’t a for-sure answer to that question. There are certain things we know that, if you do them, will make sure your real life goes well. And other things we know about that, if you do them, will make your real life go badly.”
It was a great chance to say other important things, too. “See Meg, we believe that God, in the Bible, gives us a plan for how to do real life well. He knows what will make for a good life, so we try to learn and do what He says about life. It’s why we go to church every Sunday and read the Bible and try to know what God wants us to do. It’s because we think His way of doing real life is the best one.”
So yeah…nothing like a curveball from the back of the van on the way to church. And then it was bedtime…
I was closing down, turning off lights and getting ready for bed. Standing at my dresser, I heard little feet coming fast. It was Tim, and he was visibly upset.
“Mommy, I was siting on my bed and I told myself that you said I couldn’t be in the family anymore, and it made me feel yucky inside.”
Me: (dropping to my knees and hugging him tight) “Buddy, no! Help me understand. Did you just think that you couldn’t be in the family anymore, or did Mommy say something that made you think I didn’t want you in the family anymore?”
Tim: “No, I just said it to myself, and it made me feel yucky inside.”
Me: “Oh, buddy! That would make any one feel yucky inside. And NO, absolutely not, would you ever, ever be kicked out of our family. You belong forever.”
I felt him relax instantly and sent him to hug his dad, who, I promised, also would never kick him out of the family. And we talked about how God never kicks us out of His family either. He was all smiles again, and I walked him back to bed and prayed over him, repeating again how he was safe with us and with God. And he fell asleep.
But I was totally shocked. Who knows what made him think that? Was it a guilty conscience about something? And what if he had not come immediately to check with me? He’d have internalized that fear to immense damage.
Oh, my. I went to bed praying for my boy, and thanking God that he’d kept Tim from that kind of fear so young. And also that I was not so busy or distracted (again) that I’d missed the chance to calm a little boy’s heart.
And the thing is…we all have to listen. Not just to our kids, but to other people. I need you to listen to me. And I need to listen to you. We all need to listen more. To the mom who’s so frustrated she’s ready to explode (whether in anger or tears). To the checkout lady who’s acting bored and stand-offish but is really hoping someone will reach out to her. To the kids–ours or other people’s–who need someone to see them and hear them and take their big questions and yucky feelings and hold them for a while, too.
We need to listen to each other. Black and white. Churched or not. Democrats and Republicans. Grownups and kids. We all want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to walk away knowing we were listened to…even if we can’t resolve every issue.
It is possible to recognize a chance to listen. I usually miss them, but yesterday, I didn’t. And I was reminded again how important it is. We have to give each other the grace of listening.
