There’s a whole lot about ourselves and our world we know needs fixed. Stuff we don’t like. Stuff we know isn’t right. We’ve all made mistakes and, having made them, wondered whether we can ever make up for them. And the giant mess we’ve got stewing in our nation and culture is both a huge problem and a magnificent opportunity.
But very little progress and restoration can happen if we don’t start with shame. We have to start there, individually. THEN, we can begin to work together toward powerful and productive end goals.
So why shame?
Because everyone has it. I’m totally going to restate Brené Brown’s stuff here. And you really shouldn’t take my word for it. Read her books. All of them. They will reset how you deal with your stuff, and it is freeing and painful and super amazing all at the same time. So, yeah, read her books.
Anyway, the first thing she says is that everyone has shame. It’s the feeling of not belonging, which is a problem because we’re all wired to NEED to be loved and to belong.
And I think, if we really listen to what’s going on around us, every single person is talking about that. Oh the language focuses on race or gender or economics or Donald Trump, but underneath the word choices, the real issue is love and belonging. And who feels like they have it. And who feels like they don’t.
So we have to start with shame. It underpins everything. And if we’re serious about protecting the weak, we can’t just attack the strong. We have to deal with the shame of being left out and not included. I think that’s what my black friends are trying to get me to understand (I’m a slow learner, y’all. Sorry.).
My friend from college who got thrown to the ground at a small-town traffic stop. My friend whose sons were nearly benched in high school because they have black hair. The lady in Kohl’s who was watched over the entire time she was in the shoe department like they were afraid she was going to steal stuff. Facing that kind of treatment, every day. It makes them feel shame.
And the #metoo campaign is also about shame. The experience of verbal or physical sexual advances leaves the victim filled with shame and a whole lot of confusion. Because shame loves the shadows. It thrives in silence. To deal with shame, we have to haul those experiences out into the light and make them tell us the truth. Not just what we internalized. But the truth. Shame cannot stand in those circumstances. But it often takes a mentor, a friend, a trusted someone to walk with us through those moments.
That’s why, even though shame tries for all it’s worth to keep us separated, when we deal with shame, when we’re vulnerable and courageous, it actually brings us together. It creates the very belonging we wanted from the outset.
We have to deal with shame if we have any hope of slowing down our divisions and restoring connections. It can be done. It’s hard, holy work. But it’s worth it. And I am willing to join that conversation every time. Every single time.
