What I learned in June #1: I have to encourage my children to focus on the process, not the end goal.
It sounds so simple, but it’s not. Not really.
Because, if I’m honest, I do not encourage my kids to focus on the process; what they mostly hear from me is that the most important thing is the final result.
I could tell you I don’t mean to do this, but I am most definitely NOT a joy-in-the-journey kind of person. I’m a Type 3 (ask me later), which means I’m a goal-oriented finisher. I’m wired that way. And while I’m starting to realize just how much I need to balance the “finishing” with the “doing,” my natural bent will be toward getting the item checked off the list.
Which is what I communicate to my kids without even realizing it. I praise them for completing chores, beating the next boss level of their video game, getting good grades, learning the new skill. My focus is the outcome.
And without meaning to, I miss dozens of opportunities to commend their learning process. I don’t draw attention to their refusal to give up after they don’t beat the video game level for the fifth straight time. I don’t notice how they stopped to help someone, the WHY behind the unfinished chore. Nope, I just harp that the room still isn’t clean (insert mom eye roll here).
Missing the Process
In June, though, I finally began to notice just how often we forget to focus on the process of something.
- How many of our posts and conversations on social media are about our kids’ accomplishments: the final score of the game, the thing they won, the goal they achieved.
- Eric and I talked about how we want our kids to learn and think about what people tell them–in church and school and the media–but I also realized how hard it would be to let them take a hit (or a lower grade) for a well-thought out answer that might not be what someone wants to hear.
- Megan earned a promotion in gymnastics, and she was shocked at how much harder the new level is. There were tears after her first session because it had been so easy until then.
- So many coaches and ball players all season long whose attitudes were awful if the score wasn’t in their favor. Parents hollering at every mistake their kid (or the ump) made, instead of pointing out small improvements.
We do not focus on growth, but on accomplishment. And our kids suffer.
They give up on the new math concept. They do not enjoy the ball season. Instead of challenging themselves to try new and harder things, they don’t risk any more. So they don’t really grow.
Starting Over
The first thing I learned in June was that I want to start focusing on the process with my kids.
They need to learn that it’s okay to do a hard thing imperfectly. I want them to develop the resilience to get back up when things don’t go as they planned. They need to persevere in little things now so that, when they’re older, they have the self-discipline to keep going in big things. , when it really counts.
I haven’t been doing that well. And that’s okay. Parenting is also a process. But I am glad for June’s wake-up call: this one is important and worth focusing on again.
