So here’s what I learned this summer, in five quick notes:
I can do hard things.
I’ve already talked about all the house and yard stuff we did this summer, so I won’t rehash it here. But in all the projects and scheduling and details, I learned that I really can do hard things. Like haul dirt in buckets until the entire mound is moved. And dig out holes in a rocky hill. Or clean my house and move furniture and paint doors. I even did things I didn’t know I could do, like decorate bathrooms and create planter arrangements and keep my bedroom clean since I deep-cleaned it in July. But I also know that doing the hard things was awfully dependent on why I was doing them. To help out my BIL and his new wife. So people would feel welcome at my house. To help Eric keep up with the (at times) overwhelming to-do list. Doing the hard things was easier when it was a matter of giving away–my time, my energy, my creative processes–to bless someone else. I didn’t really connect to that before. Now I do.
I’m still lonely.
We’ve lived out here now for five years. It’s a good place. I love our property and the life we’ve chosen here. But I’m still lonely. I have lots of friends, but no real support system. In the entire summer, two people (one of them in Texas) stopped their life to message me to see how I was doing. Just two. And a lot of promised help came late, or not at all. That’s kind of hard. And I’d guess the reasons for my loneliness are a combination of factors: people are busy, I seem very independent, life gets away from us all. And I know I don’t reach out to other people as much as I should. But still, I’m lonely. I need people to make space for me. And I need to be called into that space because I’m insecure. And I haven’t found that out here yet.
I like cross stitch better than knitting.
Both are repetitive and creative. Both result in a lovely, hand-made thing. But I think I like cross-stitch better because you see it take shape. A small bit of work, one color’s worth of thread, and the picture is a little clearer. There’s a more immediate reward for the work. I like that, and I often feel lost in the middle of a knitting project so I rarely finish them.
Returning the Favor is a great show.
Mike Rowe’s newest show is hosted on Facebook, and it’s really great. Twenty minute episodes of great people going out of their way to help others and their community. If you haven’t seen it yet, look it up. It’s worth watching.
Fear is still my biggest enemy.
I learned this summer that I have an undercurrent of fear that plays constantly just underneath my conscious thoughts. I’m not sure if I’m just used to it because it’s been there so long, but I didn’t really recognize it. But it’s there, and it affects my conscious thoughts all the time. It’s the source of my anxiety spikes. And it’s almost entirely made up of “what ifs.” The well of fear has been my normal source for decades, but thank God, I am unlearning it now. I finally reached a point where I stopped asking God to fix it and started letting him make it all new. The process is hard, and I am surprised by just how much I’m scared of. But I see progress. And I’m grateful.
And a bonus lesson…just because…
Writing is hard.
I learned that I cannot write while Timmy hums behind me in my office. And it’s also hard to write alone in my house with no one to pester me. The blank screen is overwhelming. All the “great thoughts” I have to start run screaming from my head when I try to type them out. Writing is hard. And worth it. And I’m going to keep working on it. I am going to be a writer…for the rest of my life.
