Since I started with a driving example in yesterday’s post, I thought I’d continue the metaphor to talk about one of the most dangerous mindsets, especially for moms. The one way street mindset.
One Way Streets
One way streets have a purpose. They are designed to direct traffic in areas where congestion is already a problem. They keep traffic moving and moving safely. As annoying as they can be when you’re driving in an unfamiliar downtown, they are a good thing.
But what does a one way street have to do with dangerous mindsets?
Remember that a mindset is a default pattern of thinking. A way of interacting with our world that started out making our lives easier but, in the end, becomes a mental trap that does a lot more harm than good.
And in terms of our mindset, a one way street means believing that life, your life, has to be a certain way to be good, or successful, or enough.
The One Way Street of Motherhood
Don’t think for a second that moms are the only people who get caught in this trap. They aren’t. Not by any means. But as a mom, I tend to see this dangerous mindset most easily in the expectations about my family and my home. It sounds like this:
- If my kids ___________ (get all their vaccines on schedule or get straight As or never get dirty or are homeschooled or go to church every Sunday or play on a travel ball team), then I’m a good mom.
- I’ll know I’m successful when I make a meal plan and stop stressing out at dinner time (or get a budget going or clean the house or throw a Pinterest-worthy birthday party).
- When my baby starts sleeping through the night (or starts walking or finally gets potty-trained or gets over the croup), it’ll be better.
Okay, so that last one might be true … sort of. Getting a full night’s sleep makes for happy mamas, people. And milestones are great. But it’s the thought pattern that’s really the key here.
The One Way Pattern
The pattern that shows up in this mindset is that there’s only one way to success and being a good mom (or husband or boss or artist or teacher or bank teller or whatever). There is some expectation or list of expectations that we develop (or are handed, thanks AAP) and that path is the only way for us to prove that we’re good enough, successful, or qualified to manage whatever it is that fills our days.
And we believe them because 1) we’re all making up life (and parenting) as we go and 2) failure has pretty serious consequences on the people we love the most.
Those are our big realities. And way down deep, we are scared. Terrified, even. We have to get this right, we think.
And so we follow the pattern. We develop the habit of finding out what “they” say we should do and then doing that until our fingers are raw or holding on to “that way” until our knuckles are white and aching. Because we cannot get this wrong. It’s not just a one way street. It’s an only way street.
The Danger
May I speak a little hope into your heart today? The one way street mindset isn’t true. It’s lying to you, and it’s using your fear to hold you in its suffocating grasp.
Here’s the truth: You’re already a good mom. You’re already a good teacher. You’re already a good parent, spouse, friend, bank teller or whatever. The fact that you care about not failing is, in the end, all the proof we need.
Sure someone might do some parts of the job better than you. Yep, at some point, you’re going to make your kids cry. And eventually, the experts’ recommendations aren’t going to work for you, your kid, your family.
Praise God. Because the moment when you stop accepting that there’s only way, the one that everyone else is following, you find the first crack in this dangerous mindset.
At this amazing moment, you can ask yourself, “Why?” It’s the most valuable critical-thinking question of all.
Turning Your Brain On
Ask yourself: Why do I have to throw my kids a huge party? Why do they have to play travel ball? Will it really make a difference if I do x instead of y in my life or my kids’ lives?
And the answer isn’t nearly as important as you think. Throw the party or don’t. Search Pinterest or don’t. Get married or don’t. Apply for the position or don’t. Play travel ball or don’t. Do y (or x) or don’t.
But think about why you’re doing it (or not) and choose to do it (or not) because it’s right for you and for your family.
Remember: you do not have to find and follow some one-way, perfect path to success in all things. Your life is not about proving you’re good enough. That you are trying makes you good enough already.
Do the best you can. Turn on your brain. Don’t accept the default anymore. Ask good questions and do good research to get the best answers for what you need to know. Sometimes, you’ll follow all the recommendations. Sometimes, the expectations are all wrong for you, so you’ll turn right when everyone else is going left. Both are okay.
What’s not okay, anymore, is believing the mindset that says “good enough” waits at the end of a thousand-point list of recommendations and expectations.
Replace the lie with truth. You are loved … already. You can do this … already. There is already mercy to cover your failures (Titus 3:4), and God’s grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9). And you don’t have to follow along with the crowd to be good enough.
No more one way streets. Break down this dangerous mindset. Be free.
