I Disagree: Fiver Parties

So I’m a highly opinionated person. Shocker, I know. And I tend not to share all my thoughts online because, well, wisdom says not to. But sometimes, I think it’s a good idea to share a different perspective than what I see most places. Social media can easily become an echo chamber for what I already agree with. So, it’s a good idea, sometimes, to raise a little bit of a ruckus.

So here goes.

Fiver Parties

I just saw an article about this new trend this week. It was on an Australian website, so I don’t know if this trend has quite made the rounds to America, but I’m sure we’ll jump on the bandwagon. Anyway, a friend posted on FB with a rave response. More friends agreed. So I read the article.

Basically, fiver parties are a new thing for kids birthday parties. Instead of having the invited children bring small gifts, they are invited to bring a $5 bill (or $10 if that feels more appropriate) which then goes toward the cost of a larger gift the parent has already purchased that the child definitely wants.

So … okay.

The Benefits

Generally, the idea went something like this.

It’s good for the kids. It cuts down on the pressure to give a perfect gift. So the party can be about having fun with friends and not so much about presents. And the birthday boy or girl gets a present he or she actually wants instead of a pile of toys that will be ignored.

It’s good for the parents, too. No more pressure to run out, sometimes last minute, to buy something for a child you don’t know at all. It’s much cheaper, especially if you have a number of children at home or get invited to a number of parties. And of course, there’s much less toy clutter coming into the house.

The article even mentioned that it’s good for the environment, but I think that was stretching the point. Maybe that’s just me.

A Different Take

And despite all the positive vibes the “fiver parties” were supposedly getting, I just can’t buy in. Here’s why:

1. There is benefit in thinking about someone else. Going to the store, however inconvenient for the parent (and it is totally inconvenient, I know), is a good thing for a child. Picking out a toy that they love for the purpose of giving it to someone else is a powerful and effective way for our kids to learn they are not the center of the universe. A card with a $5 bill that Mommy put in it which is then handed to the birthday child upon entering the party is not the same. It just isn’t.
2. Let’s talk about expectations. Yes, the birthday child doesn’t expect presents from the guests. Just a fun time with friends. That is good. And sure, there’s no shadowy competition about whose gift the birthday child likes best. But fiver parties don’t eliminate expectations. They replace those typical expectations with one, new, very precise expectation. Bring money. And this amount of money, please. And the fact that we call it “environmentally friendly” doesn’t really make it more acceptable. To make such a specific monetary request of invited guests is, basically, rude.
3. And speaking of manners. We all want to teach our kids not to be entitled. Heck, we just survived Christmas with its multi-gathering present extravaganza, and my kids displayed some of the most rude, entitled attitudes I’ve seen in them yet. So I get it (we’ve declared 2019 to be the Year of Manners, in fact). But it seems that children aren’t the only ones with a lack of manners that needs to be addressed. A fiver party is basically a parent sending invitations to a party for their child with the instructions: “Please don’t give my kid crap toys. Instead, I’ve chosen a large gift he or she will actually enjoy, so please bring $5 (or $10) to help cover the cost of this toy.” Demanding that our guests help us cover the cost of a toy we’ve chosen for our child is crazy! That we would extend an invitation in the same breath (or card) that we imply their gift would be “toy clutter” is inherently rude. It might be easier. It might be cleaner. It might even be environmentally friendly. But it’s horribly impolite.

A Better Way

I don’t think we really needed to invent fiver parties, and I hope they don’t catch on.

Boiling social gatherings down to money is always a bad idea. Asking for money to defray the cost of the party or the gift you’ve given is not polite. We already have much more appropriate ways to handle these concerns. Either relax and let your kids’ friends bring whatever gifts they want. Or simply invite them and request they bring no gifts at all.

It is both polite and powerful to say, “We would love to have you join us and your presence is the best gift of all.” And if a parent wants to give their child a single, large, expensive toy they’ll actually love and play with, great. But don’t ask attendees to help defray the cost and pretend it’s all for the benefit of teaching the kids not to be entitled.

I’m not so impressed with the idea of fiver parties. I think our kids will learn something from them, but I’m not convinced it’s the lesson we really want to teach.

What do you think? Fiver parties: yes or no?