We think we’re doing a good thing. We want them to be their best, have a good life–succeed, dang it! But when we’re pushing our kids to excel in school and sports and activities and everything else, we might actually be doing more harm than good.
Gap Programs
Gap programs have started for students who are pushed, either through taking college classes or homeschooling, to finish up high school early. But at 16, they aren’t ready to go away to college, they don’t know what they want to do with their lives, and they have a lot more maturing to do before they will.
So gap programs are a camp or other setting where these students can go and work for a year or two. They still have people filling their time, they can serve, maybe even earn some money. But they don’t have to be fully grown-up yet.
Creating a setting as a bridge for students like these meets a need. But while the idea isn’t a bad one, certainly, I do wonder if we really have a bigger problem.
Why are we pushing our kids so fast that they have to wait to catch up with their own lives?
Not Just Graduates
This attitude pervades education. Homeschoolers finish their requirements early. High schoolers fill their schedules with AP courses and college credits. Even in elementary school, we seem to push kids to the next level.
Students who’ve met the standards get assigned math at the next grade level. We use computer programs so everyone can work at their individual speeds. Every year, students’ reading levels need to go up–both for the student’s sake and for the teacher’s reviews. After all, if the teachers can’t demonstrate that their students aren’t “making progress,” they must not be good teachers, right?
Of course not. There are so many factors that go into a student’s progress (or lack thereof), but we’ve tied our teachers’ job evaluations to exactly that.
But even more, progress is simply not an effective criteria for our children’s lives. We cannot keep pushing our kids to attain more, just for the sake of doing it.
Mixed Signals
Of course, I’m not opposed to pushing our kids. We need to challenge them, in lots of areas. But at the same time as we’re pushing our kids to excel in some areas, we’re actually hampering them in others.
And these mixed signals are starting to cause our youngest generations serious problems.
- We still parent our kids like preschoolers, even as we’re pushing them to “achieve.” We emphasize success, but we never let them fail. They don’t know how to handle mistakes and, thus, to truly succeed. We put them in AP courses, but they don’t learn to manage their time because we’re still making sure they don’t miss the bus.
- We keep their schedules packed year round. They want to play ball, so we do fall ball, winter coaching, spring ball, summer all-stars. They push and push to get better, but they don’t know how to evaluate what they really like or that it’s okay to take a break. That the future isn’t crushed by a single missed opportunity (or maybe we’ve told them that it is?).
- The rise of the tween and teen social influencer has convinced our kids, and us, that if they haven’t made something of themselves by age 16, they’re somehow behind. But at the same time, we no longer expect them to get drivers licenses (because, you know, safety), they don’t date (because, you know, safety), and they can’t carry on a real-life conversation because of their addictions to the very devices those influencers use.
- An ever-growing percent of college students are coming in with 1-2 years of college credit already on their transcripts. You know, because paying for college is bad. They’re saving money, right? Sure. But it also means they start college in upper-level courses. They’re competing against students with 2 years of maturity and experience in classes they’ve never had to manage without supervision, and with all the new distractions of dorms and college life. And they cannot handle it.
We are sending our kids mixed signals. We’re pushing our kids, and it’s hurting them. Because at some point, they have to stop and let life catch back up.
They have to learn social skills and mental health skills and resilience and how to adult all at once because we didn’t let them move at a real-life pace, learning as they went, as they achieved.
Pushing our Kids – WHY?
It really is okay to push our kids. Sometimes they have to be nudged a bit to try something new or work a little harder.
The real issue is why. Why are we pushing our kids to perform, to fill that resume, to take one more college course? We need to know, and so do they. Defining the why will help us all maintain a workable balance.
And while we push them, are we also pushing them in every area or just in one? We want to raise well-rounded people. Sometimes we may need to back off of the sports or the classes or the college credit so they have a chance to serve and try something new and learn to manage their time in a low-pressure environment.
We can do this for our kids. We have to do this for our kids.
We have to be aware that pushing our kids forward is not the final goal. Helping them to shape themselves into the brilliant, powerful, mature adults they are capable of becoming is. And sometimes that means pushing. But more often than not, our pushing means missing the moments when they learn who they really are and what life is really about.
“Hurry up and wait” is not a good parenting strategy. There is a better way.
