Asking questions is a powerful skill for the discerning life. But questions are not easy. The challenge of questions is how to ask and answer them with discernment.
A comment thread today reminded me of this issue. Someone asked a question, honestly wanting an answer, and another group member responded, in the end, unhelpfully. He wasn’t unkind, exactly, but for 17 comments, they did everything but manage the original question. It was a train wreck.
So, before I move on to other topics about discernment, I wanted to give one more post to this idea of asking questions, specifically about the challenge it is to ask (and answer) questions well.
The Challenge of Asking Questions
It is hard to ask a question. It’s even harder to do it with discernment.
Discernment always requires thinking about what is said with the goal of recognizing the lies or truth that are woven in. To ask a question with discernment, then, we need to pay attention to three specific aspects of our questions.
Our Intentions. To ask with discernment means we are asking an honest question. Instead of trying to trap someone or trip them up, we are truly trying to understand or get an explanation. A discerning question is not a weapon. Instead, it’s goal is a mature and useful conversation where actual communication results.
Our Words. A discerning question is worded carefully and kindly. It is not rude, and it doesn’t attack in tone or word choice. Again, maturity being the goal, our questions should reflect our ability to engage with others as adults, rather than as petulant children. Our wording should be clear, so we communicate (rather than bury or hide) the actual question.
The Actual Request. And the actual request needs to be obvious. My children often state their problem (I’m thirsty), instead of making a request (Can you please get me a drink?). As adults, we often do this, too. We rant, expecting someone to know the exact response we want from them. Instead of clearly stating our question so they can answer it, we hide the request, burying it in layers of meaning or emotion so no one knows what question to answer.
The Challenge of Answering Questions
The same basic ideas apply when we answer questions as well. We need to be paying attention to why someone asks us questions, what words they use, and what request they’re actually making.
Intention.
Before you commit to answering a question, consider the asker’s intentions. Why are they asking? Why are they asking you? What is their goal: to get information or to start something? Simply put, are they honest or not? And finally, do you really need to engage with this question at all?
If, as far as you can tell, they are asking honestly, do your best to answer honestly. But never feel obligated to engage if you don’t sense honesty in the question. You do not owe anyone an answer to a question, especially trolls, arguers, and professional offense-takers. In those cases, simply walk away.
Wording.
How someone asks a question is very important to note. Are they choosing clear, concise language? Or not? A good example of not is any televised political hearing. The politicians spend nearly their entire allotted time giving their own opinions or setting up a particular collection of information and, at the very end, tack on a question the person testifying is supposed to know how to answer.
Be careful of how someone sets up their question. Think about what words they use so you can avoid being backed into a corner with someone else’s logic or information. It’s better to not answer, or put off your answer (“Let me get back to you”), than be forced into the answer they want you to give.
The Actual Request.
My mom manages an office on a university campus where students, faculty and administrators regularly come to ask questions. She intentionally tries to help her office staff find out what question is actually being asked. Not the one the person is asking with words, but the one they really want or need an answer to.
The words someone uses are not always telling you what question they’re actually asking. So before you dive into your answer, discern, with some questions of your own, what they really want. Make them clarify or repeat themselves. Make sure you know what they are really asking.
I find this one particularly helpful with my kids. Children are going to ask questions, but it’s important to answer them at age-appropriate levels. Finding out what they really want to know, instead of just answering them based on the words they spoke, helps you manage both their innocence and their need for information. And it works for adult conversation as well.
Rise to the Challenge
Asking questions is challenging. Answering them, even more so. But with a little discernment, we can do both well.
The comment thread I read was disappointing because neither commenter would really address the fact that they were typing words back and forth, but weren’t communicating at all.
We can do better. I can do better. And for the sake of our personal and cultural conversations, as well as to restore the fast-disappearing quality of civility, we need to work hard on this really important aspect of discernment.
