Here’s one area I don’t have a handle on. Of all the things about social media that are difficult to manage, how to post (or not) about my kids is the hardest. They are a big part of my life, obviously. But they are their own people, too. So what’s the line? What’s okay? How do I balance social media and my kids?
Parenting in the Age of Social Media
We want to be good parents. Even the worst parents I can think of want to be good parents. And the vast majority of parents are working hard to do the very best they can do.
But parenting in the age of social media is hard, isn’t it?
We have to be aware of what our kids are doing, in real life and online. I mean, as a teenager, I knew kids who snuck out when their parents thought they were in their room (rule-follower that I was, I never did). Their parents had no idea they were gone.
And now, parents have to know not only what’s going on in their child’s actual physical life, but in the invisible life they have online, as well.
So far, my kids are young enough that we simply haven’t given them much opportunity to be online. There is no Kids Messenger in our house. They share game systems, and no one but Mommy has a tablet. And no one has a smartphone, even Eric and me.
But the time is coming, I am well aware, when all of that is going to have to change. Homework is now assigned that assumes access to devices. Schedules are going to require a “call me when you’re done” arrangement. They will get drivers licenses one day, and what they do online is going to be a real thing we will have to help them manage.
It’s terrifying, really. And we will have to sort it as we go, like everybody else. But to be honest, helping my kids navigate social media is not the thing that worries me most about social media and my kids.
Parenting in the age of social media is a real thing. But parenting ON social media is even more complicated.
Parenting ON Social Media
From the time the twins were babies until very recently, we posted pictures of our kids or recorded conversations without thought. I have used Facebook as a memory keeper (rather than writing things in the baby books I’ve got buried somewhere in the house). Maybe you use Instagram or other sites the same way.
But then I started asking myself questions:
- What should I post and what is private?
- What stories, funny as they are, are not okay to be shared with the online world?
- Will posting this hurt them or help them (today or sometime later)?
- How can I tell the difference?
And over time, asking these questions has meant I needed to adjust my social media habits in regard to my kids.
Parenting in Pictures
When my kids were still little, I posted pictures of them online for family members and friends to appreciate. But now, they’re older. And I don’t post as many pictures of them. Nearly none, as a matter of fact. Why?
First, because images get stolen and misused all the time. I have no idea if that has ever happened to my kids’ pictures, but it does happen. And if I don’t post them, they can’t be used inappropriately.
But even more, I don’t post pictures of them because they are their own people, and I no longer think I have a right to use their images to make myself feel good.
Because honestly, that’s why parents post pictures of our kids, at least on some level. We’re proud of them, so we want to show off what how cute they are or what they’ve accomplished. But at a deeper level, we also want to make sure WE are seen. To prove that I’m a good parent because my kids did/are/have ______________ and (post picture) here’s the proof.
It Still Happened…
We are drowning in the lure of the photo-op. And contrary to popular belief, none of it has a thing to do with our parenting.
Think of all the waves of pictures that flood your social media feeds (or that you post on your own feed). All the selfies, the homecoming pics, the Daddy-Daughter Dance pics, all the prom pics, all the sports pics (with medals and trophies, of course). Then ask yourself a hard question: What would happen if you didn’t post those pics?
Think about it. A long time ago, the only one who saw pictures of you and your prom date was your mom and any relatives she remembered to show the physical pictures to. Expectations got bigger with “prom”enades. Then meeting up somewhere ahead of time for group and couple pictures. Then more. And more. Until now we feel like we have to post and album of 60+ pictures on social media.
But what if we went back. Do we really need to post the entire album? What if we posted one picture? Better yet, what if, every so often, we tell ourselves, “This still happened, even if I don’t post the pictures online.”
The same thing is true for non-picture posts.
We do not need to post every tiny detail of a child’s life on our social media feed. From a college student’s GPA to a toddler’s win in t-ball, we announce it. That funny thing they said … every single time.
And none of that is bad. By all means, take the pictures. Record the conversation. Absolutely do this!
But we also need to consider whether we are oversharing just a bit. Or a lot. Our need to post every minute of their life is becoming a real problem. And when we’re honest about it, at the heart of our need to share is a very real lie.
Why I Need my Kids on Social Media
Too often, I post on social media proves something. I’m guessing you do, too.
We post to prove we love our kids. After all, this child just lights up our lives. They do, of course. That face. The moment she’s snuggled up with mom. The selfie taken while fishing with dad. We want to remember. And share it. And prove we delight in our kids.
But does posting it online mean you really delight in your kids? It records a moment, for sure. But I wonder if our posts translate delight to our kids. Do they feel our delight when we post about them? Or would my undivided attention or an un-posted-about date with just them go much farther in communicating how I feel about them?
Or, sometimes, I post to prove I’m a good parent. In the face of all the other parents’ posts, I want to compete, to prove my equality. That kid’s grades. Her travel-ball team’s win. Their emotional intelligence as he reached out to the bullied kid. We should celebrate these things because they’re good things. We have amazing kids who do amazing things.
But if we’re honest, I also want other parents to know, to see proof, that we’re doing a good job and our kids are turning out all right. And that’s where the problem comes in. If we’re just posting so everyone knows our kids are doing as well as their kids, maybe we need to leave off.
Yes, your college student’s GPA is good, but does the world need to know it? At eighteen or twenty, does he or she even want the random collection of people on your Facebook feed to know it? What does it matter if a former co-worker or friend from high school hears about those grades?
The truth his, it really doesn’t matter to most of those people. And we need to start separating what is ours and what is theirs to share, what truly is the public’s business from what can easily be shared with grandparents the next time you call.
Separating Social Media & My Kids
As parents, we can be proud of our kids without another soul knowing what’s going on. I can delight in them without broadcasting it to the world. And it’s well more important that I’m telling THEM what I’m proud about, instead of Instagram.
What I post on social media doesn’t prove anything of value. Not really.
In fact, because they’re cherry-picked and curated, my social media posts, especially about my kids, are the least likely proof that I’m a good parent or that my kids are turning out well or that Jesus is pleased with our family.
I have to—WE have to—start separating things once again. Separating what I post about my kids from any definition of good or bad parenting, for sure. Separating my posts from my love for them. But also, finally separating my life from my kids’ lives.
So much of what we’re posting (GPA come to mind) aren’t even our stories to tell. Those pictures and posts and announcements belong to our children alone. And we are stealing from them when we post about it.
We are stealing their face. Their chance to tell (or not tell) that story. Their decisions about what the world knows about their lives, now and in the future. And most importantly, all the opportunities to walk with them and mentor them as they post (or not) about themselves online.
It’s time to find a better balance.
Balancing Social Media & Our Kids
Finding the balance between social media and my kids is not an easy thing. And it’s probably a set of scales that we will constantly struggle to balance for as long as we are parents (and grandparents). Which, obviously, is always.
Truthfully, we won’t keep both sides equal very much of the time. And that’s okay. It’s the process that is the most valuable.
But it’s important to pay attention to what we’re posting, to ask ourselves why we posted it, and, at the very least, ask our kids if they’re okay with us posting about them (and how much).
Social media is only a decade or so old, but it is here to stay. It’s time we start consider how and why we post, particularly about our kids. And it’s important to share with other parents the principles for managing social media and our kids that we discover as we go.
