I am Jekyll & Hyde

I realized on our way to Story Time the other day that I had morphed, once again, into “Frustrated Mommy.”

Oh…you don’t know her?  Sadly, she’s been showing up at my house a lot lately.  Even multiple times in a day.  

And she’s not a nice person, really.

See…”Frustrated Mommy” does not speak kindly.  She snaps at her children, lashing out because they got under her feet just as she tried to walk.  Or dumped their toys right where she was about to put her foot down, thus causing her intense (though short-lived) foot pain.  Or they didn’t quite move fast enough, answer fast enough, pick something up fast enough, put on their coats fast enough.  Frustrated Mommy flings out words recklessly, showering anyone nearby with sarcastic and pointed barbs of verbal venom.

And really, she doesn’t even need words to be unkind.  Frustrated Mommy huffs at her children, breathing puffs of air out her nose when they displease her or make her life harder in some way.  She glowers and rolls her eyes and scrunches her lips together until her face is tied up into a tight and wrinkled wad of unhappiness. 

Even worse, Frustrated Mommy reacts and (usually) over-reacts.  Lack of sleep excuses her irritated response to her toddlers’ behavior.  

• After all, they dumped every.single.puzzle.piece onto the floor, exactly 60 seconds after she had last picked them up.  And they threw a fit when she asked them to pick the pieces up.  
• They chose a snack, only to come back in five minutes wanting a different snack, leaving the original one abandoned somewhere to be squished into the carpet to be found two hours (or more) later.  And they threw a fit when no more snacks were allowed.  
• They pushed each other, wanted the other one’s toys, refused to let her take their picture, and got into all sorts of things that THEY KNOW they aren’t supposed to get into.  They don’t obey the first time Frustrated Mommy asks them to do something.  
• And they threw yet another fit.

In other words, they acted like normal toddlers…but unfortunately, that’s exactly how Frustrated Mommy acted, too.  

She, too, threw a fit, complete with foot stomping and incoherent “Grrrrrs!” vented toward the heavens.  She kicked at the offending toy with her stinging foot. She muttered under her breath as she took another step…onto yet another toy, at which point a sharp and loud “OUCH!” echoed in the room.  And everyone stopped and took notice.

And that is, of course, her intention.  Frustrated Mommy wants someone to notice her frustration.  She wants someone to understand that they have made HER life more difficult, that things aren’t going HER way, that SHE is annoyed by the events and attitudes around her.  SHE wants a break from the miles-long “To Do” list that all of THEM just keep adding to.  And she steams out her anger in any possible way until it’s so obvious that even the toddlers pause to stare, wide-eyed and silent, wondering how this Fury appeared where only seconds before their Just-Plain Mommy had been standing.

Like I said…not a pretty picture.

But sadly…Frustrated Mommy has been popping up far too often these days.  And it’s not hard to see why.  I mean, let’s be honest…It’s the end of winter, and I’m in desperate need of Spring.  We’ve been cooped up inside for months: me, two busy toddlers and an infant who can’t go out in the cold easily.  It’s hard to get to stores or even places to play.  We can’t go outside because it’s too cold or windy or whatever.  And we just need some sunshine, warm breezes and hints of green poking through the wet ground.  We need Spring.

But it’s not just a physical season of Winter that’s ending.  There’s an emotional winter that is finally ending, too.  Spring is slowly coming after a long, hard, cold season of life.  And I need it.  I want it.  But as we start to thaw out, I find myself dumping things that were on-hold while we waited out the Winter.  The ice and snow is melting, but the result is a yucky, muddy mess.  

And it’s the end of a spiritual Winter, too.  I’ve been where I am for too long, and it’s time to let God move me someplace new.  Someplace better.  But it means change.  It means doing new things so I can a different result.  A different view of people.  A true sense of humility.  A softer heart, a more-hospitable home, a family that shines with His grace.  It means learning to be less self-sufficient so God can teach me new ways to love my husband, how to parent from His strength instead of my own, how to walk more consistently with His Spirit, and how to let myself connect with the people around me, maybe even share Jesus with them.  Yes…It’s all good change.  But it’s not easy.  It’s just the start of Spring.  I see so much more failure than growth right now.  It’s easy to get impatient.  Or discouraged.  Or frustrated.

And so…Frustrated Mommy shows up with only the slightest provocation.  

But I don’t like her.  She’s not pleasant.  She’s not fun.  She’s prickly and harsh and there’s nothing Christ-like about her.  And it’s time she learns that she’s not welcome here anymore.  

So the other day, on the way to Story Time, I shut the door on her cranky, angry face.  

I took a breath.  I said a prayer.  I paused to reconnect with reality.  And instead of rushing in frustrated and late to Story Time, we drove to Tim Hortons where we shared some Timbits for 20 minutes.  Then we made our way, leisurely, to the library, arriving in plenty of time for the second Story Time.  While we waited, we read a few books and played with the activities, and then we joined the other toddlers to enjoy songs and stories about hats. 

And Just-Plain Mommy managed beautifully without Frustrated Mommy’s help for once.  Which is just as it should be.  

Please follow and like us: