On Friday, I posted about the results of our ultrasound and some of my initial response. I appreciate all the comments you offered. It also come to my attention that what I said was hurtful (a little or a lot) to some people. And I wanted to respond as best I can to any hurt I caused. And since I chose to share honestly with you all, I thought it appropriate to share the apology openly as well.
To those I hurt:
I am truly sorry that my words hurt or offended you. They were not meant to do so. They were, truth be told, not comments about you, about my kids (born or unborn), or about kids in general. They were really comments about me and my fears and lack of confidence in my own parenting ability.
I never intended to insinuate that I love my daughters less than my son. Only that I am less confident in my parenting skills with girls. And I’m sorry that you read my words as any indictment of either of my daughters or of you and yours.
To those of you with only girls:
I am truly sorry if my words suggested for even a second that you are somehow “missing out” because you don’t have a son. Of course, you are not. Nor would you think you are, I’m sure. The joy that comes from boys is not better than that from girls. It is a very different joy that cannot be compared. But I did not mean to disparage your girls or your lives “in favor of” boys. And I’m sorry if you read that in what I said.
To my Daughters:
Some suggested that my words might mean I don’t love you like I love Alex. That I am not thrilled to have you. That you somehow have to “earn” my love because you weren’t boys. How it breaks my Momma’s heart to even have to type those sentences out. I am not sorry that God chose me to be your mommy. I am beyond thankful. And I cannot fathom my life without you. Instead of ever wondering whether I love you, wether you are “good enough” for me, know this: I am your Momma, I love you more than life, and I am trusting God to make into the parent you need and deserve. I’m gonna make mistakes, but that won’t ever change how much I love you and how much I want you in our family.
To the rest of you:
I am sorry that my blog today is such a downer. But I felt I needed to say these things. I hope you will hang with me…you help and encourage me more than I can say. You help me learn how to live, love Jesus and my family, and parent better by sharing your life with me, and letting me share mine with you. Thanks for listening.
Happy Tuesday.
June 1, 2010
I appreciate your sensitivity to those who are reading your words. The candor, maturity, and authenticity here are evident.
I find the balance between writing for me and writing for others on a blog difficult. For instance, where you were the day you shared that news, emotionally, was at a place that might be offensive to some. It’s a journey. I read your post knowing that God will keep working on you and moving you to a new place. You were transparent about your emotions, and that is what a blog is for. Still, we must choose our words carefully and try to portray our own personal truth in a way that is not judgmental or demeaning of others. That can be a tough balance.
All that to say, I’m proud to be your friend. I respect this post. Hugs!
June 1, 2010
i’m with gail in respecting this post. and i also have to say that i respect your last post, too. (and i don’t remember if i ever said congrats on the baby girl!! we had an insane week last week and i mostly had time to read, not comment.) but…back to respecting your last post. when i first read it i knew exactly what you were saying and i know that your intent was merely to share your heart. for me personally, i didn’t take it as an attack on girls at all…just that you realize the heavy responsibility that comes with raising godly girls and that WOW raising TWO girls in a world where sensuality and promiscuity and vainity rule the day is surely trickier than raising ONE girl in the same world. But, just like gail said…I also read it knowing that God will take your trepidation & fears and change it into a big, big unmatchable excitement & confidence for that little tiny one.
And I personally know many people who were confused, unsure, disappointed, etc when they find out the gender of the baby they are expecting is different than what they were thinking it should be or different than what they were hoping for. It happens. It’s life. But, it doesn’t mean that that baby is loved any less. God knows us and he knows what we need, and I know you know that. Sometimes there are just emotional hiccups along the way.
June 1, 2010
wow i had no idea your last post was a problem. i knew exactly what you were trying to say. hope you have a good day Shannah!
June 1, 2010
I wanted to clarify: I don’t mean to imply you hadn’t chosen your words carefully, or that you had been judgmental or demeaning. I didn’t read what you shared in that light, but I am appreciate your heart and it reminded me how even my best intentions can be hurtful sometimes, and that I must choose MY words carefully and I must not share MY truth in way that seems judgmental. So the last sentences of that paragraph were about me, not you.
June 1, 2010
Well good grief. I’m proud of you for taking the time to share that. I don’t think you owe anyone an apology but kudos for doing it! Perhaps this is the part of “loving others before ourselves” that Christ calls us to, so good job being Christ-like in this post.
I hesitate to stick my oar in (I’m re-reading Anne of Green Gables and have decided I love that phrase) but I’m with @faithchick – in the thought that you probably verbalized something alot of people feel. Perhaps even your own daughters will some day, and you will be able to share your experience with them and provide wonderful comfort and perspective. Maybe I’m just not that tuned in to my emotions, but I don’t think I’d be offended if my mom had been bummed to find out I was a girl. I know she loves ME as an individual and is thankful for God’s perfect wisdom in building our family. And I’m sure Erin and baby girl 2 will feel the same way!
Hang in there. This post is not a downer, so no apologizing or experiencing further guilt!
June 1, 2010
I knpw what you’re saying when you feel inadequate to raise children…girls or boys. I think every mom has felt that way (or feels that way). I used to think I wanted only boys…I’m glad God knew better! As long as you’re leaning on Him, he’ll give you the ability to raise your children as they should be raised.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. And know that we all love you!
June 1, 2010
@gsowell – Don’t worry. I knew what you meant! I guess today is just a marvelously clear lesson of the pitfalls of non-face-to-face communication! It’s a lot harder to communicate clearly when not looking someone in the eye!
June 1, 2010
@FlyingCAB – I love Anne of Green Gables (are you reading the whole series?)! And I love that quote!
June 1, 2010
I think this is one of the most beautiful and sincere apologies I’ve ever read. Wow.
I’m with Jess. We’re human, and we get disappointed by things (even if we “shouldn’t”). There was definitely a pit in my stomach when I found out that #3 was a third girl. I was never going to have a son. My husband was never going to have a son.
But you know the ending of the story (or I’m going to tell you anyway). We love that little girl more than life itself. And the very thought of our lives without her (and a boy in her place) is enough to make me bawl.
I love how God orchestrates family dynamics. He’s amazing.
Love you, friend.
June 1, 2010
This was beautifully written. Congrats on the girl!
June 3, 2010
So well said, but I’m sorry to hear the angst behind the words. Who among us doesn’t have dreams and fears that aren’t in line with God’s plans for us? The beauty is, it’s those very weaknesses in us that show God’s greatness when he reveals the perfection of his design.
I’ve had a girlfriend who cried in disappointment when she saw the sex of her baby girl on her ultrasound. Another friend described her apathy toward her growing baby boy. And I’m almost sure I’ll be disappointed if Brit and I never have a baby girl, even though I know that God has perfectly chosen the babies we’ll have. I think it’s very human, very natural for moms to feel that way… but divine to welcome, love, and cherish the children who God does give to us (just like you do!). You’re gonna be an excellent baby-girl-mama, Shannah!
June 5, 2010
I am late on commenting on this but I am very inspired by your vulnerability. Thank you for taking time to share. I didn’t think your last post was offensive in any way and I am sure I will feel the same way if we don’t have a girl!
I loved having a boy first but I would love a girl someday. Like you said, thankfully God knows what we need, not necessarily what we want. 🙂 You are a WONDERFUL mom and we all know you love your kiddos equally.
June 5, 2010
What a great apology and honest post! I also saw nothing “wrong” with the previous post but that is probably because I have posted honestly about some of my parenting struggles. Being honest about our preferences and those things we are more comfortable with (or less) is not a bad thing, it actually gives God room to work in our hearts and life!
June 7, 2010
I haven’t been on xanga in a while (and thank you for the package!), but I remember being a little disappointed when I found out ben was a boy because I love my sisters and wanted a girl… but now I would obviously not want it any other way.