I let my kids play in the pouring down rain the other day. Timmy, Megan, & Alex splashed in the puddles, ran around, went tearing down the hill to jump into the puddles. They fell down in the mud. I’m pretty sure Timmy ate some mud. Megan threw some mud at the back of my van (she got scolded for that one). I stood under the umbrella and took pictures while mosquitos bit me.
I do not enjoy bedtime. I despise brushing teeth. I get so tired of trying to read a Bible story that no one really listens to. I read a story a while back about a mom dying of cancer and she would drag herself, literally crawl, up the stairs just to do bedtime with her kids because she loved it that much. And everybody was commenting how we should all be that kind of mom. Well, I’m not sure what I would do if I were dying of cancer, but I don’t think bedtime is the only place for really connecting with my kids. And for me, it’s not even remotely the best place.
I have been a huge grump this week. I’m blaming heat and hormones. But seriously…it’s been less than pretty.
Eric told me he got the “you’ve used 70% of your internet allotment” email last night. Somehow, we’ve used 10 gigs in 10 days, and our internet doesn’t reset until Aug. 12. I nearly cried. I hate, hate, hate having a set internet limit. I know it’s just a convenience. I know it’s a first-world problem. But it’s the number one thing about living out here that I struggle with. And there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it.
I’ve tried the last few days to spend more time with my kids. Okay, to be honest, I’ve had no choice because Eric’s started tearing down the old house on the property and I can’t leave Timmy outside unattended. So if the bigs are out, he wants to be out, and I have to be there, too. But still, I’ve tried to play more games and last night, I even ran through the sprinkler a bit, too. I don’t play all the time because 1. I firmly believe that my kids need not to depend on me to think of entertainment for them and 2. I just don’t enjoy hours of card games with preschoolers. And I think that’s okay because I am their mom, not their playmate. But still, it’s probably good to do things with them more.
The twins start kindergarten in less than a month. And it’ll be a huge change for us. Definitely bittersweet. But honestly, they’re ready for it. I’m ready for it. I love my kids. I’m so glad to be a mom. I’m really grateful I can stay home with them. But I am OVER the all-four-are-preschoolers stage. Four kids in four years and all still at home. I know I’ll miss the big 2 during the day, but I am looking forward to their new challenges. I’m looking forward to having only 2 to focus on or take places. I’m looking forward to the tiniest hope of a few minutes in which I might not be interrupted continuously. Of course, ask me all this again in a month and it might be a different story. But for right now…I’m looking forward!
My kids are horribly wasteful. They leave so much food uneaten at every meal. They are not good about taking care of their toys (despite reminders, warnings, and even losing said toys). They are definitely little consumers, and I am totally at a loss for helping them be better about it. *sigh*
We are still using the We Choose Virtues program, and I LOVE it! They totally get it. It gives me an incredibly helpful vocabulary to address our situation. And it provides great opportunities to intentionally introduce important topics. Like this week’s virtue: vocabulary. One of the prompts talked about how forgiveness is about mending a broken relationship, which totally opened up to our needing forgiveness from God to mend our broken relationship with Him. I don’t know if they totally got it, but I love that we had the opening. It’s a start!
I am both really excited and really nervous about building our house. We close on our mortgage loan this week and will soon break ground. But man, the overwhelming reality of the whole thing…it’s gonna be a crazy 6 months (or longer). And the desire to build not just the prettiest, most expensive house we can, but a house that is functional and useful and that we intentionally lay at Jesus’s feet for his use. That’s a hard balance to find. And of course we’re planning to live in the double-wide while we build right outside the back door – yikes! How I’m going to manage the kids in a construction zone…very worrisome!
I’ve got a lot on my mind this way. Some days I’m a “good”mom. Some days I just let my kids watch TV and play on screens (Timmy has a horrible addiction already). But more than that…People hurting. Really hurting. My uncle who was fine in June and a month later is dying of cancer. Literally that fast. My own isolation and exhaustion and loneliness. My friends’ griefs and individual craziness. So many people who are struggling financially, emotionally. Our church family. And my wishing and wanting to find joy. Real joy.
Life is not easy. And it’s okay to admit that. No easy answers. Just a big God whom I’m choosing to trust and trying to follow. And trying to keep it real. With my kids and with Eric and with myself and with God.
And now…off to another day.
