So we are edging running full-tilt toward the new and exciting world of tweens. The twins will be 9 this December, and I’m watching their maturity levels change before my eyes. They’re asking new questions. They want new privileges granted. They are responding in new (and not always respectful) ways.
It’s fun and challenging and exciting and scary. And it has required some real thinking and intentional conversation on my part. You know, as the “parent.”
For example, Alex wants to play online. He really wants to look up stuff about Super Mario games, but let’s be honest here, there’s a lot online that can surprise you when you don’t have the skills or experience to avoid it. So before I let him up his computer usage, we had a conversation. We defined the computer as a tool, a resource to help you find specific pieces of information (rather than just mindlessly surfing). We established that all computer usage has to be done with our permission (and I put my password back on my screen) and knowledge. Our computer is in a shared room with a glass door, but we specified that the door was to stay open and the screen visible at all times.
He understood. He agreed. It felt kinda like overkill because he stays on the one site we found that has everything he ever wanted to know about Super Mario Brothers. And yet, someday he’ll need to search a bit on his own. And I have to be realistic. Porn is dangerous and the people who push it don’t care about my son’s innocence. I do.
So that conversation got me thinking, especially about innocence. Because if I’m honest, I’d prefer to define innocence as “ignorant.” They don’t need to even know the words or the possibilities or the facts or how their bodies work. They’re still pretty young. It can wait.
But you know, I don’t think it can anymore. I really don’t.
Because I’m more convinced than ever that innocence isn’t about not knowing. It’s about knowing at a level appropriate to your maturity level. It means they know what they should know…and no more. We don’t keep our kids “innocent” by not having hard or awkward conversations with them; we actually handicap them and set them up for more dangerous conversations, possibly from other people who will expose them to stuff far beyond what they should know right now.
Our kids need us to be upfront with them. They need actual information, and it needs to come from us. We need to set ourselves up as authorities–open authorities–in our kids’ lives, and we do that by bringing them the information that is appropriate when it is appropriate so they don’t have to go wandering around looking for it (and getting much more than is appropriate when they do).
So what does that look like? Of course, that depends on your kids and your family. But our kids are probably more ready to know about things than we give them credit for.
Many years ago, my mom called my sister and me into our bedroom and sat down with us and a book, and we went over the “facts of life.” And I realized not that long ago, that we were probably 8 and 6 (or close to that) when she did it. And then I realized…that’s how old my girls are right now. (insert horrified gasp!)
But here’s the thing, I remember that talk. I don’t remember the entire conversation in detail. What I do remember is that she wasn’t afraid to tell us some things, that the book was off-limits (meaning we weren’t allowed to pull it down to look at by ourselves) and that I knew, from that day on, that I could ask my mom literally anything. I mean, she’d been upfront enough to share that information with me. I knew she wouldn’t hide anything I wanted to know.
So I decided to do some research. I found some great resources* that introduce those hard topics (sex and porn) on an age-appropriate level and from a Christian perspective. And I’ve started taking opportunities to talk to my kids about these things. We don’t go very deep. I don’t elaborate beyond the basics. I do want them to be innocent. But that means they need to know just what they should know and no more. And I want them to know that we are the ones to whom they can come for answers to those questions.
Talk To Me: Do you agree with my definition of innocence? What is the benefit of introducing hard topics in a controlled form? What might be the harm?
*I have no affiliate connection to these resources, but if you want to look them up, go here (I love that it’s a whole age-based series) and here. And let me know what you think…
