I’ve got a lot of them these days…thoughts. But I’ve struggled to put them into words that would make sense on a blog. In all honesty, I write to make sense of my own thoughts most of the time. So I’m just going to ramble a bit and see what it is that I have to say…I hope you don’t mind.
Honestly, it’s been a long week.
It’s nothing new, really. Haven’t had enough sleep, of course. Been a bit hormonal, go figure. My kids are hitting milestones that include a lot more defiance, a lot less cooperation, and general boundary-pushing in every way possible. So far, I’m not loving the “threes” – and I hear that’s pretty normal.
But there’s been some more stuff, too. Just an overwhelming awareness of how deeply I fail on a regular basis. How ugly my pride and selfishness really are. I would never have described myself as an “angry” person, and yet, the Holy Spirit is opening my eyes to how often, when my schedule or priorities or whatever is disrupted, I actually get angry at people. Eric. My kids. Nameless drivers of cars on the freeway. I don’t lash out, really. I internalize it. I grumble under my breath. I seethe at them. I’m short with them. It is anger. And it’s really not pretty.
But I don’t wrap myself in the promises that “if I walk in the Spirit, I won’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh” and that I “have been predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son.” No. My perfectionism kicks in, and I kick myself for screwing up. No forgiveness. No grace. Just the same hard-hearted responses that I inflict on everyone around me when they aren’t perfect either.
Again…so not pretty. So definitely NOT like Jesus.
On top of all of that, I realized that one of the longings of my heart is really from God (as far as I can tell)…but also that we’re not yet to the place where He can trust me to do it. It’s something I’d love to do…tomorrow if I could. But I think it’s still off in the distance for now. And that’s okay…I’m willing to wait until God brings it to me. But it made me a little sad, too. Because I want it now. (Hmmm…guess I now know where my kids get it…)
So that, combined with all the other stuff, had gotten me pretty discouraged and disheartened and down over the last week.
But thankfully…
God knew exactly what I needed. My amazing sweet sister let me vent. My parents came up for dinner on Saturday. My husband and I had a really great talk this afternoon. I laughed…a lot…this weekend. It was all just what I needed.
No…I’m still harsh and unkind to people around me. My pride controls me much more than I’ve ever realized it did. I don’t forgive or give grace. My perfectionism and need for control are constantly being pitted against the wills of my children, with usually negative results. This season of my life is lonely and feels mostly purposeless (even though I know that’s not true). And I’m still oh-so-very-far from where I will someday be.
But it is when I’m overwhelmed by my need for Him that He always shows up. These struggles are gifts because He’s using them to make me aware…because until I am aware, I won’t even desire to change. But I do want to change. I want to be one who speaks words of grace, not anger. I want my kids to see Jesus in me, real and alive and making their Mommy a better person and a better mommy, every day. I want people to see Jesus in me, even if all they see is me trying to get through a grocery store with three small kids and a too-long grocery list. I want to remember, to rely on the fact that He can change me to look like Jesus. It won’t be tomorrow. But He CAN do it. He is doing it. And it’s okay.
I know I’m not alone in much (or any) of this. Like I said, this is all just me, rambling. If it speaks to you, fantastic. If it prompts to you pray for me, I’ll be very grateful. But mostly, I just needed to get it out of my head so I could figure out what exactly I’m trying to figure out.
And now it’s time for bed. Monday comes very early at our house…happy Thanksgiving week!
