The Moment

Yesterday, I had a “moment.”  I felt it coming.  And for once, I knew the exact second it hit me.  

I was on the phone with my sister.  Megan was babbling on the floor behind me.  Erin got up from her nap and joined us, which means she was also talking (since sound starts coming from her mouth at the second she realizes that she is, in fact, awake).  Immediately, Erin needed to go potty, so we hurried to my bathroom, Megan behind us, while I tried to continue conversing intelligently with Karen on the phone.  Except…Erin decided the toilet needed flushed before she could go, and before I could stop her, Karen and Megan were drowned out by the sound of rushing water.

That was the moment.  That second…right there.  

It was the exact moment when my brain shut down.  Too much stimulation.  Too many competing sounds and sensory inputs.  Overwhelming noise and need and energy-drain.  It was just too much. 

I went into auto-pilot.  And sad to say, I stayed there for the rest of the day (as, not surprisingly, the amount of noise and activity in my house didn’t go down until after bedtime).

Thankfully, I could still function.  I actually got some stuff done.  I even played (sort of) with my kids.  But I wasn’t fully there.  I wasn’t engaged.  I was done. 

I could bemoan my inability to stay focused and attentive to every single second of my day.  I could beat myself up for wasting precious moments with my little ones who won’t be little for very long.  I could spend my morning trying to “make up for” last night’s attitude that bedtime couldn’t come fast enough.  But I’m not going to.  Why?

Because of the verse I read this morning.  James 2:13 – Mercy triumphs over judgement.  

See, I am a recovering perfectionist.  I am harsh and critical and set the bar far too high for any human being to reach.  I am a judger of persons, and I am hardest on myself.  But that is not God’s way.  God is Mercy.  God does not expect perfection.  He expects availability.  He doesn’t want me to work for years in my own strength to achieve that one “perfect” day (however I define it).  He wants me to open myself up to Him, to His power, to His Spirit so that whatever I accomplish today can be for His glory and of eternal value.  

And beating myself up (judgement) isn’t going to help me do things God’s way.  Falling on His Mercy is the only way that’s going to happen.

So today, I’m cutting myself some slack.  I’ll get done what I can.  I’ll withstand the constant noise and neediness as best I can.  I’ll do a lot of short, in-the-moment praying.  I’ll try to stay connected to Him and to my children.  And maybe even let mercy overwhelm my moments instead of letting my moments overwhelm me.

At least…that’s the plan.  

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